Viva La Beard Revolution


Why should you grow a beard? I guess if I were interested I could generate some random statistics on how it’s a sign of virility and how having a beard automatically makes you stronger. If you’re interested in that line of reasoning I can direct you to a video from one of my favorite CrossFit Gyms in Texas. I’m not interested in being rational today though. You should grow a beard because it will piss people off.

I know I’ve covered the whole beard topic earlier when I first launched the Modern Savage project. Since then my experiences online and with the people I meet in public have only reinforced my strong belief in “beard equity.” I have come to embrace this call to action so thoroughly that I’m ready to declare that outside of work or school issues (those bastards are always trying to keep men down) if you are not right now actively engaged in sprouting facial hair then you better be a woman or I must revoke your man card.

I know a lot of so-called primal men out there with clean shaved faces and all I can say is you frauds how dare you! How much more primal can you get then sporting a growth of hair a Viking warrior would be proud to braid. Sure your woman may not like it but then again maybe she’s not much of a woman. Maybe she’ll threaten to withhold sex and then again maybe she’s a soul-sucking banshee that wields sex like a hostage negotiation and secretly envies your ability to carrying a penis. Go ahead wench keep it all to yourself we’ll just go off and burn a few villages down to vent our frustration. Besides any man that lets his woman dictate his behavior isn’t really walking around with testicles between his legs is he? In case you were wondering the answer to that question was…NO!

On that subject I’ve found that a healthy beard serves quite admirably as pretentious bitch repellent and I’m not just talking about those of the female persuasion. Anything lacking a backbone seems to run the other way when a beard comes in the room. A beard is a sign post that screams out in unmistakable words “I do not care what you think.” It also says I am likely to have a battleaxe sharpened and stashed nearby so watch your mouth.

A beard is also a symbolic agreement with yourself to recognize your own manhood. Men today spend too much time trying not to be men in fear we may upset the status-quo. I say enough of that. How many women do you know that prattle on and on about the lack of “real men” today while they go about castrating each one that comes across their path? This just in ladies that real man you pine for is probably that one you met last night that wasn’t interested in listening to your bullshit, shrugged off your insult, and went back over to play more pool with the guys drinking beer. A real man doesn’t need you because he understands a very simple truth. There are a hundred women just like you waiting around the corner.

I’m lucky in life. I have found a woman who not only supports my beard but encourages it. You find women like this now and then; those who’ve wasted years of their lives with immature grown boys still sucking on mom’s tit into their 30’s. Women like that tend to really understand and appreciate what a man is and isn’t  Guys if you and your beard can’t find one of these then look for a woman with an old-school father. They would have been raised up with a strong male example and are less likely to tolerate anything less from the beat-males swarming the landscape today.

Finally let’s talk about these Beta-Males. Fellow beards we must crush these insects totally. Not only are they breathing our air and polluting the gene pool with their spinelessness but they’re cock-blocking many of our fellow bearded brothers. This cannot be tolerated. You will recognize these less-than-men by their dress, hair style, preference of wine over beer, and usually accompanied by a prim and proper woman with little to no sense of humor whom tells him when he’s had enough and must go home. In fact do this lost male a favor and just put him down on the spot in the end he will thank you for ending his misery and the world will be better off.


Viva La Beard!!!

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